A noted psychologist (affectionately known by her followers as "Ask Beth") recently stated in a public forum that AAARNR is "bringing balance" to coasterdom. Though ARNR authors are yet to admit it, she states that it's clear the "blog is having an impact" (The ARNR authors could not be reached for comment - if they could, they'd probably be in complete and utter denial, being the slime and stench that they truly are... repugnant, gutter vacuuming, lickers-of-hair-lice-off-used-combs communists).
AA
22 comments:
Yeah, and rest assured she's not some hayseed poser speaking hicklish.
Beth knows. She has answers for everything.
-rev
Hey my 12 step program actually is working. Keep up the hard work guys!
Katie
We're glad that Beth enjoys speaking to the same three people over and over again. Keeps them from talking to us.
THE ONLY REASON NOBODY TALKS TO YOU IS BECAUSE YOU CAN'T BE REACHED FOR COMMENT. ALL OUR E-MAIL COMPLAINTS COME BACK AS GIBBERISH SENT BY SOME NON-ENGLISH SPEAKING STAFF MEMBER. WE'VE TRIED HARD TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE E-MAIL RESPONSES MEAN BUT WE JUST CAN'T.
-AA
It's working! Look at the anger in that post by ARNR.
Beth can speak to me anytime.
ARN&R can't. They block us.
AA,
Hello and thank you for writing the Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Customer Service & Delight Center!
My name is Miguel, and your inquiry was assigned to my unit, the Absolutely Reliable Foreign And/Or Semi-Literate and/or ALL CAPS Customer Inquiry Center. Your concerns are very important to us. We are in the process of analyzing your inquiry to determine your native language. We have narrowed it down and believe it is likely an obscure dialect of German, but have not yet ruled out the possibility of it being an attempt at English. Please feel free to have your parent and/or caseworker inform us of the correct language so that we can assign your inquiry to the appropriate sub-unit of the Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Customer Service & Delight Center.
Once the inquiry is assigned appropriately, it will be placed into queue for consideration by one of our award-winning Customer Service & Delight Representatives. Currently, the queue stands at 214 days. In the meantime, if your inquiry involves being confused by the factual basis for anything on our website, we apologize for that confusion and hope it works its way out. If your inquiry involves rage about being mentioned and vague threats of reprisals, we urge you to breathe deeply. There, there.
If you need to update this trouble ticket, please send your e-mails only to customerservice46EF103@absolutelyreliable.com and include the ticket number (46EF103) in the subject line. Any e-mails sent to any other address will be deleted and mocked.
Thank you again for contacting the Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Customer Service & Delight Center, and any time you have a concern, we hope you will remember to contact the Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Customer Service & Delight Center, as we are constantly amazed at how happy we are to hear from our loyal customers.
Miguel Fredrickson
Assistant to the Associate Sub-Unit Manager's Helper
Absolutely Reliable Foreign And/Or Semi-Literate And/Or ALL CAPS Customer Inquiry Center
A Proud Part of the Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Customer Service & Delight Center
BWAAHAHAHAHAHA
Award winning?
pfft!
Funky
Ummm, ok that was either the funniest thing ever, or the biggest LIE from ARNR yet. Ugh, they need to get with the 12 steps ASAP. Do I need to get out the serum needles?
Katie
SEE THAT!! THAT'S THE KIND'VE THING I KEEP GETTING WHEN I TRY TO
CONTACT THEM. WHO HAS TIME TO FIGURE ALL THAT OUT!? NOT ME. I HAVE TOO MANY COOL COASTERS TO RIDE to SIT AROUND AND COUNT OUT 214 DAYS. BESIDES, I DID COUNT ONCE FOR THE 214 DAYS AND I STILL DIDN'T GET A RESPONSE.
THAT MIGUEL GUY REALLY TICKS ME OFF
-AA
He's a sham, Just like ARN&R
Boycott Miguel!
Chuck
Dear Chuck,
Hello and thank you for writing the Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Customer Service & Delight Center!
My name is Miguel, and your inquiry was assigned to my unit, the Absolutely Reliable Foreign And/Or Semi-Literate and/or Generally Incoherent Customer Inquiry Center. Your concerns are very important to us. We are in the process of analyzing your inquiry to determine your native language. We have narrowed it down and believe it is likely an obscure dialect of Swahili, but have not yet ruled out the possibility of it being an attempt at English. Please feel free to have your parent and/or caseworker inform us of the correct language so that we can assign your inquiry to the appropriate sub-unit of the Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Customer Service & Delight Center.
Once the inquiry is assigned appropriately, it will be placed into queue for consideration by one of our award-winning Customer Service & Delight Representatives. Currently, the queue stands at 218 days. (We have unfortunately lost a few Customer Service & Delight Representatives to job opportunities at Gitmo.) In the meantime, if your inquiry involves being confused by the factual basis for anything on our website, we apologize for that confusion and hope it works its way out. If your inquiry involves rage about being mentioned and vague threats of reprisals, we urge you to breathe deeply. There, there.
If you need to update this trouble ticket, please send your e-mails only to customerservice46EF199@absolutelyreliable.com and include the ticket number (46EF199) in the subject line. Any e-mails sent to any other address will be deleted and mocked.
Thank you again for contacting the Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Customer Service & Delight Center, and any time you have a concern, we hope you will remember to contact the Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Customer Service & Delight Center, as we are constantly amazed at how happy we are to hear from our loyal customers.
Miguel Fredrickson
Assistant to the Associate Sub-Unit Manager's Helper
Absolutely Reliable Foreign And/Or Semi-Literate And/Or Generally Incoherent Customer Inquiry Center
A Proud Part of the Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Customer Service & Delight Center
Now Featuring Hillary Duff on Our Hold Music!
See, The standard responce!
People understand my swahilli just fine.
Chuck
Oh, man... Hillary Duff music, too.
If that doesn't convince Tina to switch over... well...
-rev
THERE HE GOES AGAIN!
HE'S DOING IT TO CHUCK NOW!
MAKE HIM STOP!
AA
Dear AA,
Hello and thank you for writing the Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Customer Service & Delight Center!
My name is Miguel, and your inquiry was assigned to my unit, the Absolutely Reliable Inquiry Center for Inquiries That May or May Not Be Asking That We Stop Providing Such Excellently Awesome Customer Service. Your concerns are very important to us, but we are presently attempting to confirm that you in fact are asking that we stop providing excellently awesome customer service, or if you are asking the person whom you refer to as "Chuck" to stop doing some undefined activity.
Your inquiry, we regret to inform you, used a pronoun ("him") without having a clear antecedent ("Chuck"? "Miguel"? this odd person referred to as "the reverend [sic]"?). As such, we are unable to determine who you were intending to contact, and we would hate to step on the toes of the customer service departments of "Chuck" or "the reverend."
Once we are able to determine if you in fact are asking us to stop, your inquiry will be placed into queue for consideration by one of our award-winning Customer Service & Delight Representatives. Currently, the queue stands at 312 days. (We have unfortunately lost a few Customer Service & Delight Representatives to job opportunities as executives with Six Flags Theme Parks and Quassy.) In the meantime, if your inquiry involves being confused by the factual basis for anything on our website, we apologize for that confusion and hope it works its way out. If your inquiry involves rage about being mentioned and vague threats of reprisals, we urge you to breathe deeply. There, there.
If you need to update this trouble ticket, please send your e-mails only to customerservice46EF439@absolutelyreliable.com and include the ticket number (46EF439) in the subject line. Any e-mails sent to any other address will be deleted several times.
Thank you again for contacting the Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Customer Service & Delight Center, and any time you have a concern, we hope you will remember to contact the Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Customer Service & Delight Center, as we are constantly amazed at how happy we are to hear from our loyal customers.
Miguel Fredrickson
Assistant to the Associate Sub-Unit Manager's Helper
Absolutely Reliable Foreign And/Or Semi-Literate And/Or Generally Incoherent Customer Inquiry Center
A Proud Part of the Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Customer Service & Delight Center
Now Featuring Hillary Duff on Our Hold Music!
Oh, don't click the Name Miguel. It takes you to that boycotted sight.
Houston, We have a troll :)
Chuck
Yeah I know it does. I can visit both pages without bothering with my favorites folder.
Oops.....did I just say that? My I do need that serum, Katie. It won't be easy though, you will have to tie me down and sedate me. Actually, should I suggest one of those tranquilizer guns that they use on animals?
As Jay told Silent Bob "Oh man, these things f*** you up like percocet!"
Hillary Duff? Was that one of those horrid CD's you guys found in one of the ARN&R peeps car?
Isn't it true they also had a Gerardo CD?
GOSH!!
THIS MIGHT CALL FOR DRASTIC MEASURES
AA
Maybe I should ask Beth? ;-)
We're not sure what the CD's were. All kinds of snobbish "pass the buttered scotchies I'm off to play the grand piano" College rock bands. We would've stolen them but... what use would they have been to us? They CLAIM they were hiding their Bon Jovi CD's elsewhere. I don't believe them.
AA
I'm really surprised to have been mentioned by Miguel (especially in the context of being strange).
How would Miguel know that I'm strange?
I've never even met Miguel. He couldn't know about me being strange. For that matter, I don't even know about me being strange.
I've discovered something, though, that might prove useful to Miguel,
ARNR, and all their regular readers. I'm going to recommend it to the caretakers this sight.
Anyone heard from Aaron lately? I guess having a new baby in the house takes up people's time.
I'm way past the new baby in the house stage. I'm at the mid-life crisis stage. I'm saving for a New Corvette to go along with my hair peice.
I would comment on all this CD diescovery issue, but I don't listen to Rock n Roll. I'm not allowed. I really shouldn't even be here on this site. Even mentioning ARNR is taboo in some ways. Someone I know had the letters "A R N R" spoken into his left ear and he turned into a mute.
He never got better.
-sic rev
Oh no, A mute.
AAARN&R will never let that happen.
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